I meet with a personal trainer again today at 1 pm. So far today I have had

  • 2 coffees
  • ii water
  • smoothie “Chocolate Mint” – I personally HATE it but maybe you may like it, so here is the recipe:
    • 2 pitted dates
    • 1 cup raw milk (or almond milk)
    • 1/4 cup soaked almonds
    • 1 tablespoon cacao nibs
    • 1/2 cup packed mint leaves
    • 1/2 cup small avocado
    • 1 cup coconut water


Here is what the book’s look like:


and here’s mine:




It’s ll right to feel disappointed, skeptical, resentful, joyous, excited, or confused about our changing circumstances. By accepting what we feel and sharing about it with other Al-Anon members, we are better able to take care of ourselves.

Todays Reminder: I will allow myself the dignity to discover exactly how I feel about the changes that are happening today, and I will share those feelings with an Al-Anon friend

source: Courage to change


Before I came to Al-Anon, I felt angry and resentful toward my alcoholic mother. I resented her for being unable to give me the things I needed, such as unconditional love and financial support. I forgot about the good things she instilled in me, such s open-mindedness and respect for my fellow human beings. In AlAnon, I learned that forgiveness is for me.

source: Hope for today

Yesterday and today I am dealing with a great deal of guilt and shame. It’s all about my father’s death and last days….

  • I didn’t get to say goodbye
  • I should have NEVER been so fucking cruel!!
  • I wish I had done more to help him
  • I wish I had spent time with him on his last Christmas
  • I want 5 more minutes
  • I should have considered the possibility that he may die from this
  • I feel like I failed my father
  • I think he thought I gave up on him
  • I’m ashamed of the circumstances with his family NOW
  • I’m terrified that someone I love is next
  • I blame myself for not being there
  • I feel as though I failed as a daughter

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. ~ Coco Chanel

In reality, I was the last person on earth that spoke with my father and it was a lovely conversation. I honestly believe he died from a heart attack right after. And sick as it is, We didn’t discover his body for three days. Sick as it is, his family wanted to see the body. I did not. I spoke with a very trusted friend about this guilt that I’m carrying and she reminded me of one thing – when you’re on an airplane and it’s going down, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Meaning I had to take care of myself BEFORE I could care for anyone else and I wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t abandon myself anymore. I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it and couldn’t cure it.


Many of us resisted coming to Al-Anon because we didn’t want anyone to know about our problems. We feared that our boss or our friends would find out, or that it would get back to the alcoholic.
These fears accompanied me to my first Al-Anon meeting. To my horror, just as I sat down one of my neighbors walked into the room and sat down across from me. What could I do now? Run?
In the midst of my panic, I noticed a sign on the table that said, “What you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.: And on the wall I saw a banner with the Traditions, one of which said that anonymity is Al-Anon’s spiritual foundation! I stayed for the meeting, but I still worried.
My neighbor never said a word to anyone. In time I began to trust that it was safe to get the help I so desperately needed because the only one who would ever mention my membership in Al-Anon was me. To this day, I am confident that my anonymity was and always will be protected, and my gratitude is beyond measure.
Today’s Reminder:Unless I protect the anonymity of all members, Al-Anon will not be a safe place for any of us.
“Our free expression – so important to our recovery – rests on our sense of security, knowing that we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence”

I decided to do a re-start on my day. I was starting off on my negative attitude side and that’s not where I want my heart to be. Though I may be heart-broken, I can take the time to put a smile on my face, to try to smile and have a laugh.I can take some time to care for myself. And part of caring for myself is my hard work on Step 4.

In Step Four we realize there are areas of our lives that need attention. We also realize that we cannot see all those areas. Denial has kept us blinded to the dirt in our corners. Low self-esteem has kept us ignorant about the beauty and worth of our lives. In this step, our Higher Power comes to us as a caring friend. God opens our eyes to the weaknesses in our lives that need changing and helps us to build on our strengths.

Progress not Perfection

I weighed myself yesterday at the gym before my swim class and FINALLY have lost a few pounds. My weight is now at 161!! It’s still higher than I would like so I am sticking to the program that I have been doing. So I’m working on making my body physically better. Today there is a conference for AlAnon and I am planning on attending. I actually wish I was already there because there was a meeting right NOW for children of alcoholics. Last night I went to a meeting and I found myself being extremely judgmental toward one member specifically. I grew up with an alcoholic family. There’s a few perfectionists, loads of judgement and not enough acceptance and love. So today, I choose to work on the mental part of my body. My sponsor is finally home and I missed her terribly and can not wait to see her so we can get back to work on the steps. Right now, I am on Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I am attempting to make it for the next group of meetings at 10:30 or 11:45. Its a long ride alone and I will have a lot of time to think about my AlAnon program

AS WE BEGIN to consider the questions below, we need to remember to keep it simple and pray for guidance and courage. The following are not all-inclusive, but rather point to a beginning.

  • Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
  • Have I sought help from my Higher Power, my sponsor or other AlAnon members?
  • What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?
  • Do I understand the spiritual principle of the inventory?
  • What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?
  • What does “moral inventory” mean?

AN INVENTORY is not just our faults; we must also assess our positive traits and accomplishments. If we are stymied by this task it can be useful to think about qualities we like in others and whether we may possess the same trait.

  • In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of y assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
  • How am I tolerant?
  • Am I open to another’ point of view?
  • Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?
  • Do I practice patience with a newcomer?
  • How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?
  • How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?
  • In what ways do I take care of myself? DO I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?
  • How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office quarterly appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?
  • In what ways do I look for the good in others?
  • How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?
  • How do I open myself up to others?

AlAnon Morning

I am a proud member of AlAnon. Those who do not know what this is – in basic terms, I love an Alcoholic. The Alcoholic in my story happens to be my father. Sadly, he passed away late last February or early March. When he actually passed is a story of its own; and another time I will get there. Back to me… I try to start every day by reading the AlAnon literature and composing my thoughts on the subjects while also working the 12 Steps in the same way that they do in AA. This morning I read about self-care. It’s embarrassing that before my dad passed away, I spent 75% of my time with him, he was my dad but he was also my best friend in the world. When he started drinking, he thought he could control it, and sadly, that was not the case. When he drank, I thought I could manipulate him to stop and sadly, I don’t have the power to change anyone except myself.

After doing literally nothing except knitting, watching television, and sleeping for a year, I had a wake up call. When I was getting ready for my annual trip to Florida, my bathing suits wouldn’t fit me. I had to buy new ones. And new shorts and t-shirts. So, when I got home, I got serious about taking care of me. I am now eating healthier, exercising, taking care of my mental health, and doing AlAnon.

The following is from One Day At A Time (or ODAT):

Today’s reminder: Beginning today, right this minute, I will be good to myself. I will not allow myself to drown in the whirlpool of distressed thinking about alcoholism and its results. Confidence and hope will immunize me.

Now from Paths to Recovery:

In the group we meet people who are like us who are coping with many of the same problems and finding creative solutions we had not considered or attitudes that make the similar situations in their lives more tolerable.

And now I am off to the gym to go to a swimming class to burn some calories!

McCall’s Needlework Fall-Winter 1952-3

I am not sure if anyone is interested in patterns like this one. I see TONS of them for sale on I have access to literally thousands of this type of pattern. If you want to see more, please leave a comment or a like below so that I know to keep typing them out (which can be a bit tedious). Thanks and enjoy the following:


SIZES: Directions are for Size 14. Changes for sizes 16, 18 and 20 are in parentheses.

MATERIALS: Penguin Alpin-3, 13 (14-15-15) 1 oz. balls Mimosa (yellow); 2 balls Moredore (brown) for braid trim. Susan Battes knitting needles No. 2 (standard) English size 11, Steel crochet hook No. 2; 7″ slide fastener

GAUGE: 8 sts=1″; 11 rows=1″

FRONT: Cast on 136 (144-152-160) stitches. Work even in reverse stockinette stitch (p1 row, k1 row) for 2″. Dec 1 st each side of every 6th row 8 times. 120 (128-136-144) sts. Work even until 6 1/2″ (6 3/4″ – 7″ – 7 1/4″) from start. Increase 1 st each side every 6th row 8 times; 136 (144-152-160) sts. Work even until 12″ (12 1/2″ – 13″ – 13 1/2″) from start.

Underarm: Dec 1 st each side every 4th row 4 times. Sl remaining 128 (136-144-152) sts on a holder.

LEFT SLEEVE SECTION: Starting at the wrist, cast on 3 sts, k 1 row, work in reverse stockinette st, inc 1 st at outer edge every row (beg of p rows and end of k rows), and inc 1 st at inner edge every other row (end of p rows) until 33 (35-37-39) sts. Still increasing 1 st at inner edge every other row as before at outer edge dec 1 st every 4th row 25 (26-27-28) times; 58 (61-64-67) its.

Underarm: Still decreasing 1 st at outer edge every 4th row 5 times more, work inner edge even. Slip remaining 53 (56-59-62) sts on a holder.

RIGHT SLEEVE: Work to correspond reversing shaping; outer edge is end of p rows.

YOKE: Place all 3 sections on needle with sleeves on each side of front and underarms meeting; 234 (248-262-276) sts. Dec 1 st each side every other row 21 (23-25-27) times; 192 (202-212-222)sts. Dec 1 st each side every row 26 (28-30-32)times; 140 (146-152-158)sts, end p row.

Shape Shoulder and Neck: Bind off 3 sts, work across until 57 (59-61-63)sts, sl these sts on a holder; bind off 20 (22-24-26)sts, work last 60 (62-64-66)sts. Bind off 3 sts at beg of next row and dec 1 st at neck edge. Repeat dec at neck edge every tow 4 times more, then every other row 5 times : at the same time, bind off 3 its at beg of arm side 9 times, 4 sts 3 times, 4 (5-6-7) sts twice. Join yarn at neck edge, dec 1 st and work other side to correspond (start with repeat dec at neck edge).

BACK: Work same as front until sleeves have been joined: 234 (248-262-276) sts. Dec 1 st each side every other row 15 (18-21-24) times; 204 (212-220-276) sts. Sl a marker at the center back. Working 3 sts each side of marker in garter st border, dec 1 st each arm side, as before, every other row 6 (5-4-3) times more, then every row 2 (3-4-5) times; 188 (196-204-212) sts.
Back opening: Work to marker; sl remaining sts on a holder. Working on one side only, keep the 3 its at the center in garter st and dec 1 st at arm side on every row 24 (25-26-27) times more; 70 (73-76-79) sts.
Shape Shoulder: Bind off 3 sts at beg of arm side 10 times, 4 sts  times, then 4 (5-6-7)sts twice. Bind off remaining 20 (21-22-23) sts for back of neck. Join yarn at opening and work other side to correspond.

UNDERARM INSETS (Make 2): Cast on 3 sts. Work in reverse stockinette st; inc 1 st at beg of every row until 25 sts. Dec 1st at begnof every row until 3 its remain. Bind off.

FINISHING: Press pieces carefully, Seam sides and sleeves to underarms. Insert underarm sections with the widest part at joining of sleeves and tips meeting seams. Make 2 darts each on front and back at waistline, about 3 1/2″ in from side seams., taking in waist to fit snugly, tapering dart to nothing 3″ above and 3″ below waistline. Make a hem at wrist and 1″ hem around lower edge of blouse.

COLLAR: Cast on 3 sts. Work in reverse stockinette st, inc 1 st at beg of every row until 30 sts. Inc 1 st at the beg and dec 1 st at end of every other row until short edge is about 1/2″ longer than neck edge. Dec 1 st ar end of every row until 3 sts remain. Bind off. Press collar. Turn in and hem each end, then hem long edges, reducing width of collar to 1 1/2″. Sew on collar, with top of collar extending 3/4″ above neck edge. Sew in slide fastener.

BRAID: With brown and crochet hook, make a chain about 1 1/2 times longer than desired finished length for each section; sc in 11th ch from hook, *ch 5, sk 5 ch, sl st in next ch repeat from * until desired lengths allowing 1 ch-5 lp for each 3/4″ of trim. Working along one side, make 9 sc in each ch-5 lp, 18 sc in end lp; working back along other side, *sc tightly over joining between lps, drawing edges together; make 9 sc in next lp, rep from * across. End off.

FINISHING: Make and sew a braid around venter of collar, one around each wrist 1″ above edge, and one around lower edge at top of hem. Starting at the base of the collar on front, make and sew braid straight down to center of one dart, around back of waist to center of other front dart and straight up the other side to base of collar. Following curve of front shoulder seam, make and sew braid from base of collar, where front trimming was started, to wrist-band on each front sleeve. Make and sew a braid on back of each sleeve om same manner, having braid same distance from shoulder seam as on front. Press blouse lightly with a damp cloth and medium hot iron, being careful not to flatten braid.


I went to the gym this morning and after now a full ten days of diet and exercise, I was feeling pretty good. And then BOOM! I did what I 100% SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE – I stepped on the dreaded scale. And guess what. My weight is still at 165. WTF?!? I have been eating what I have been told. I have been exercising every other day, like I was told. And I haven’t lost anything. I do have to get my thyroid checked and in order to do that I need to get bloodworm done that requires fasting. And for whatever reason, I forget every morning when I come downstairs in a haze and quickly grab my first cup of coffee. So I am writing myself a Post-It tonight and leaving it on the coffee machine so that I can find out if the culprit of adding ten pounds this past year; and twenty pounds over the last two years; could possibly be my thyroid. I was talking to my friend about my diet and it is all so boring. Salad, smoothie, salad, no sugar, fruit, veggies and chicken. Tonight I am on my own for dinner. It’s funny in a way. I haven’t had dinner alone for decades now. But I plan on sticking to the Weight Watchers cooking magazine that I picked up for my dinner. I pray my thyroid is low and that will help me lose weight once it’s adjusted because I am wanting to eat a pizza, or at least be able to have a slice every now and again. I loathe the fact that I am now a 39 year old woman who is 55 pounds overweight for her height. I am only five feet tall. So five pounds looks like 25 on me and right now I feel disgusting. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me. So I need to get my groove back. I want to feel sexy again and I want to fit in my clothes again. I have some really really nice clothes that are for a size 8 – and unfortunately right now, I’m at a 14. My goal is a 6 but I would be ok with 8. I’m hoping that buying a juicer (on LetGO) and a FitBit (also on LetGO) will help me to lose this weight that I’m desperate to get off of me….I know I didn’t gain all this weight overnight and I can’t expect to lose it in ten days but I thought at least a pound or two. Maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation on my part.
I meet with my job counselor today and she wants to get to know me and get to know what kind of work I am looking for. Thankfully, I finished my resume this morning so she can help me tweak that up. I am then going to be set up with a work evaluation. I’ll go to a company and do the work I am looking for and will be graded in all areas of the job, including how I socialize and how I take breaks. If I “pass” the evaluation then I will be helped to work on my resume and on my interviewing skills by a coach. But that’s about 40-80 hours of work away right now. It’s still the beginning of an exciting new chapter.