health

guilt

It’s ll right to feel disappointed, skeptical, resentful, joyous, excited, or confused about our changing circumstances. By accepting what we feel and sharing about it with other Al-Anon members, we are better able to take care of ourselves.

Todays Reminder: I will allow myself the dignity to discover exactly how I feel about the changes that are happening today, and I will share those feelings with an Al-Anon friend

source: Courage to change

 

Before I came to Al-Anon, I felt angry and resentful toward my alcoholic mother. I resented her for being unable to give me the things I needed, such as unconditional love and financial support. I forgot about the good things she instilled in me, such s open-mindedness and respect for my fellow human beings. In AlAnon, I learned that forgiveness is for me.

source: Hope for today

Yesterday and today I am dealing with a great deal of guilt and shame. It’s all about my father’s death and last days….

  • I didn’t get to say goodbye
  • I should have NEVER been so fucking cruel!!
  • I wish I had done more to help him
  • I wish I had spent time with him on his last Christmas
  • I want 5 more minutes
  • I should have considered the possibility that he may die from this
  • I feel like I failed my father
  • I think he thought I gave up on him
  • I’m ashamed of the circumstances with his family NOW
  • I’m terrified that someone I love is next
  • I blame myself for not being there
  • I feel as though I failed as a daughter

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. ~ Coco Chanel

In reality, I was the last person on earth that spoke with my father and it was a lovely conversation. I honestly believe he died from a heart attack right after. And sick as it is, We didn’t discover his body for three days. Sick as it is, his family wanted to see the body. I did not. I spoke with a very trusted friend about this guilt that I’m carrying and she reminded me of one thing – when you’re on an airplane and it’s going down, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Meaning I had to take care of myself BEFORE I could care for anyone else and I wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t abandon myself anymore. I didn’t cause it, couldn’t control it and couldn’t cure it.

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